As I have said a number of times in my Just Say No series, this philosophy is not about depriving your child of their wants, needs or opportunities. Just Say No is more about teaching a child about the realities of life. Just Say No is about teaching your child that in life there are boundaries which they must respect, things they cannot have and perhaps most importantly there will be disappointment and sadness with which they must deal.
I personally dislike saying NO more often than I enjoy uttering this simple little adverb. I don’t particularity get any maniacal pleasure out of denying my childrens’ requests but sometimes it is necessary for my sanity, my bank account and most importantly my children’s emotional health.
The reality is, that the odds are stacked against a child that goes through life never wanting for anything or having to deal with the emotions associated with denial and disappointment. As this type of child grows into an adult, they are almost guaranteed to encounter issues around self esteem, depression and anger as they try and navigate a world which has no interest in accommodating their every want and need.
It is crucial that children encounter denial and the emotion of disappointment on a frequent basis. This is especially important to do this when they are young and the things to which you are saying NO to are small and insignificant. It is during this time you have the opportunity to help your child experience disappointment in a safe, nurturing environment while you teach them appropriate responses and behaviors associated with this emotion.
As your child grows and the things to which you need to say NO to are more significant, your child should respond in an appropriate manner. What is perhaps even more rewarding is that when you do say “YES”, your child may actually feel genuine gratitude and perhaps even joy as a result of your generous accommodation of their request.
If we use my daughters desire for an ipod as an example, (See Previous Post) besides there being absolutely no need for her to have one at age 10, we are accomplishing a number of things by denying her request.
- We are giving her the opportunity to be disappointed.
- We have an opportunity to teach her the appropriate response to being told NO.
- It allows her to come to terms and to cope with this denial.
- It teaches her that simply because she wants something, does not mean she will get it.
- It teaches her patience. (good things come to those who wait)
- It allows us to set expectations and criteria which need to be met before we will even consider getting her an iPod.
- It sets her up for a truly joyous event when she does get an iPod.
- It provides my wife and I the opportunity to teach a lesson about gratitude.
- It teaches her about self respect and bolsters her self esteem.
It is simply common sense. Giving children everything they want does absolutely nothing to prepare them for their lives as adults. Life is about earning your way not about having everything handed to you.
I am strong believer in saying no to children if it warrents it. I will not let my children get everything they want all the time because life isn’t like that and they need to learn that lesson for their future lives.
Had a huge row with my ex-wife over this recently because of an issue with my oldest son. She was a spoilt child and is a spoilt adult and I need to act as the balance to this.
I couldn’t agree more Keith! I don’t enjoy telling my kids “no”, but they learn much more from hearing that than they do from hearing “yes.”
I think that maybe the reason parents struggle with telling their kids “no” is because most adults seem to struggle with telling themselves :no”. Just a thought
Wow Good thought! However children are simply reflections of their parents so I suppose that makes sense.
Thanks for the comment!
Cheers,
Keith Rispin
Thanks for the comment Child Trust Fund. I think in many families parents are at odds with the Just say NO philosophy but unfortunately Just say YES seems to win out.
I believe we are approaching a point of crisis in our society with a population that has be just way too over indulged and live their lives with the “What is in it for me” mentality.
Buckle up for a rocky couple of decades.
Thank you so much, there aren’t enough posts on this… or at least i cant find them. I am turning into such a blog nut, I just cant get enough and this is such an important topic… i’ll be sure to write something about your site
Good post. I personally believe that ‘no’ is the most important word in parenting. Too many parents simply do not understand this. They are afraid to say ‘no’ because that is just not politically correct these days. This is a sad reflection on our society and where we are headed. Come on, parents: “Just say no”!
I am trying so hard to just say no to my child. Some days she pushes us so hard. Like today, she was extra tired. I could tell and so could my husband. BUT she just kept fighting us about taking a nap. She is 2 1/2 so no surprise there. It is almost as if once a month however her refusing a nap turns into a monumental struggle. Spanking won’t work, time out is out of the question (rewards her with delayed nap). My concern is, that when she gets to this point the only thing we can think of to do is hold her down. NOT sit on her. NO WAY. WHat I do is lay next to her, and gently hold her upper wrists while she kicks her feet and cries herself out. I give her about a minute of this (for her it seems like an eternity) and then I let go of her hands and say “now, you have the choice to do the right thing. If you lay down like a good girl and close your eyes and try to sleep, mommy won’t hold you anymore.” once, maybe twice of this she will relax and go to sleep.
I just don’t know if I am traumatizing her in some way. I feel horrible for having to do this to her but letting her get up iS NOT AN OPTION. I am the parent and when I say no I mean it. She is so so stubborn though. Most of the time, a nap is not a big deal. When she is at the baby sitters house it isn’t a big deal. Just once every month or so, she gives my husband and I a colossal run for our money when it comes to bed time. Any tips? Suggestions? I am not one to shy away from an approach that takes time and patience. Like I said, we have her in a pretty good routine. It is just once every month or so. Am I doing the wrong thing by holding her arms down? I make sure not to squeeze her at all. I make sure that I am not pushing her. In fact, she was so tired today that I didn’t even really have to put any pressure on her hands. She just screamed like a banshie for about 45 seconds and then decided it was time to sleep. And she snuggled right up to me, held my hand and fell asleep.
Sounds like you have a stubborn one there, so patience will be the key.
What people don’t seem to understand is that “No” isn’t always cut and dry, especially at 2 1/5. “No” might take 30 minutes of out willing your child, it is the result that counts. If after that 10 – 20 – 30 – 40 minutes of out suborning your child, they get their way… you are doomed. If you get your way, it is all good. Eventually they will subconsciously realize that Mom and Dad are not going to give up and will always win.
With my kids, the battles at 2 years quickly became shorter and now at 10 & 13 all I need to do is cast a “You didn’t just ask that did you?” look and it isn’t mentioned again. Unless of course it is about ice cream… The two of them have got that down to an art and they know my weakness. My wife just rolls her eyes and calls me weak but even then, if my will power is working and I say no, it is done with.
From what you have described here. once a month or so for 45 seconds… No worries. You done did good. I would do the lie down thing at that age too, in fact I would volunteer. If I played my cards right I got a nap out of it myself 😉
Cheers,
Keith
I don’t believe my folks ever said No to me just to teach me a lesson. However, there were times when a No response was the better response, and they would stick to their guns about it no matter how much of a temper tantrum I might throw as a result. They usually tried to reason with me about why No had to be the answer, but there were also those times when “Because I said so!” was the only reason given for the negative answer and I just had to accept (or not) that they had their reasons but couldn’t explain why at the time. I think that communication is the key. When I look back on those times when I was told No, I can see that they were (at least for 99.9% of the time) right!!!