As you already know, I am a Yes or No parent. Black and White, there is no middle ground or “shades of grey“. Some call it simplistic and some people call it archaic but I simply call it sensible. If executed properly, this type of parenting makes for a simple family dynamic without all the rigmarole that comes along with giving kids a say in their world. It is parenting on your terms not your child’s and it is the way nature intended it to be.
Raise your ire yet? Well let me add this… I think negotiating with a child or (parenting in shades of grey) to be complete nonsense. It pains me when I see a parent wasting time, trying to come to terms with their snotty nosed, diaper wearing child over how much more time they get at the playground or which treat they can have from the checkout counter candy stand. It boggles my mind that someone can believe that a child is capable of rational thought, when they haven’t even reached a stage in their development where they can even control their own bowels.
It doesn’t matter how much Baby Beethoven you played to your child in the womb, or how well your toddler does at My Little Savant – Calculus Class. A child below the age of about 6 or7, has great difficulty making sense out of any choice outside of their egocentric world, involving time or consequence.
The result is that, any effort you make trying to come to consensus or reaching a middle ground is a complete waste of time. Young children need to be communicated to in black and white. Shades of grey or a “middle ground” is not a concept kids can even begin to understand until they reach what was referred to by Piaget as the concrete operational stage but even at that, kids truly do not have the capacity to participate in negotiation until they are 11 years or older.
Learning and Teaching.com (2011)
Now my critics will immediately say that Piaget’s theory is out of date and can not be applied to today’s child but for all the changes in the modern day child, I believe that Piaget’s stages have stood the test of time and are still applicable to our children today. In fact, Piaget’s stages of childhood development are still the foundation of most early childhood education programs the world over. They still stand and I suspect they always will.
From an Old School Parent side of things, Piaget be damned… Parenting in shades of grey is just plain ridiculous. When a child is young it is so easy to set the boundaries in which you expect your child to live. Yes and No is so easily said and enforced. It just makes sense that you would used the first 11 (or so ) years of your child’s life to establish these boundaries.
Once your child knows where these boundaries are and understands they will be enforced, you can begin to parent in shades of grey. As they enter the realm of teenager, you can allow them to negotiate, test and experiment with life, all the while the safety of the boundaries you set in their first decade remain in place. The black and white world you created, act as a secure stable environment to retreat to when things go wrong both big and small. What is perhaps even more important, is that if you have to go back to black and white parenting for any reason, the ground work has already been established. When you say No or Yes your child may bellyache about it but they will at least know you mean it.
Kids who have always lived a life where there has never been any black and white and have always been allowed to dictate or participate in the terms of their existence, have great difficulty when they begin to enter the big bad world where no one gives a rat’s backside what they want or how they feel. Young adults who feel their opinions count for everything, start to find out that more often than not, their opinions count for nothing or god forbid… not wanted.
This type of child frequently exhibits symptoms of depression and anxiety because they cannot cope with a big bad world that really doesn’t care what they think. It starts in early adolescence and becomes more profound as they move along the food chain and enter University then into the work world. These individuals eventually hit a brick wall when mom and dad can no longer rescue them by creating a boundless grey world in which they can wallow.
“But mommy and daddy never said NO to me!? I am special, my opinion matters!” can be heard being uttered in work places the world over, followed by a chorus of laughter as senior management tries to determine who hired the little Prince.
It is your obligation to prepare your child for the real world and this world is frequently painted in black or white. If you do not introduce your child to this little reality at some point in their up brining, you are doing them a disservice. Only those who understand that grey comes from the mixture of black and white, truly appreciate what the middle ground means.
Yes – I could not possibly disagree with you more…the big bad real world you speak of, where bosses snicker at employees with a strong sense of self, must exist in the Old World, much as Old World Parenting does. Today’s geniuses may be fired from jobs and kicked out of school (from Albert Einstein to Thomas Edison to Bill Gates)but it makes you wonder what kind of school or workplace wouldn’t value such geniuses…and if fitting into mediocrity is really what you want your child to aspire to achieve. I believe that your Old World Parenting is not preparing your child for the world – you are simply hanging onto an Old World that is extinct where children were to be seen and not heard, and well-behaved children learned that pleasing others is what gets them loved, starting with their parents. The New World is a place where questions are welcomed, where Internet millionaires as young as 18 have found new solutions that benefit everyone…and they are thriving. Who wants to follow old rules when creating new ones is so much more important…and fun? This New World world is a shapeable place, not a fixed and stagnant universe which can only be seen in black and white. My website and yours are complete opposite. We should comment on each others posts often!
Outstanding comment there Rhonda!
Sorry for not responding sooner. I was down in the States with my hard done by children. I didn’t give them a choice, they had to go
To get into the nitty gritty of your post would too much for a comment so I put down a few thoughts instead
** All kids can’t be geniuses, we need good functionaries who are capable of doing what they are told and can do all the difficult work in life.
** I would venture to say that the people you mentioned as examples of “free thinking geniuses” would have succeeded regardless of their parenting. I would also venture to guess that at least two of those individuals were raised in an “old school” fashion based the era they are from.
** True geniuses will become great in spite of everyone, even themselves sometimes.
** The world in which we live was built by the blood sweat and tears of those who were brought up in the exact same fashion I extol the virtues of. Don’t dismiss the past and the way things were done simply because it is not “new”, “fun” or “interesting”
** No one I have ever spoken to has ever enjoyed having a junior know it all in there business and yes in some cases these junior geniuses were cut loose because they did more damage than good regardless of how brilliant they were.
** God I hope my girls become 18 year old Internet millionaires, then I can live out of their back pocket for a change.
Thanks again for your comment!
A few responses back.
I couldn’t disagree that all children can’t be geniuses….they already are. If you don’t see the genius of children, that’s just from your vantage point. How many parents would like to share that view of their children?
Sadly, this easily ingrained idea- that the child is limited in some way – is the very obstacle many children have to overcome as adults in order to reach their potential… and many don’t. It’s even more sad when it was their parents and teachers who introduced this viral thought.
Yes, don’t dismiss the past; learn from it. Are adults mostly happy, fulfilled people, or mostly miserable, failure-minded people? Old school upbringing…you do the math.
If something is not fun or interesting, that is the best reason to dismiss it…for you. When it is fun and interesting for you, then you have found your genius.
Perhaps your observation that no one enjoys a junior know-it-all refers to the Einsteins and Edisons whom the senior know- it-alls dismissed. Lesson: what others think shouldn’t matter. Be yourself and persevere. It is those people who quiet the junior geniuses who should be shushed. And sometimes, they are.
A foundation of blood, sweat and tears can’t be fertile soil for raising happy people. You can’t get roses from lemon seeds planted in dry dirt.
As for your girls becoming Internet Millionaires, I hope they do…if it’s their dream, not your dream for them.. Imposing your ideas of who your children should become is yet another common parenting misstep.
A pleasure talking with you – I wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t fun. Please do me the service of posting my blog link with your replies on your website too; let’s let our readers share in this fun.
Warm Regards
Rhonda
What I can never understand is why being a functionary is a bad thing? Or a ditch digger or a Plumber… Without these types of people we are screwed. Coincidentally, the American economy started to go in the crapper when young people started to be told “follow your dream”. No one wanted to work anymore. They all wanted to be rich and famous by following their dream which is code for “not doing anything productive.”
We can’t all be pie in the sky follow your dreams sorts. Just look at American Idol as a Pop Culture example of what a train wreck following ones dream can be. You just have to know behind each and everyone of those gawd awful singers who try out, there is a parent telling their kid that “you are wonderful, follow your dream!”. (Said with a fairy princess voice)
The real world does not run on fairy tales and pixie dust. Someone has to do the dirty work and hats off to those who do.
Myself, I was brought up old school as were all my friends and I don’t get the feeling that any of us are “miserable, failure-minded people” We work hard, play hard and seem to really enjoy life but then again… None of us are very good at math.
As for being a genius in an organization. If you want to be a genius who beats to your own drum, do it on your own or with someone who belongs to your band. Problem with Junior know it alls telling someone their business, is that IT IS NOT THEIR PLACE, until the person who owns the business tells them it is time to contribute or have an opinion. The employee serves the employer and does their bidding, plain and simple.
Fun and exciting… LOL if only we could live in a world where every breath we took was fun and exciting. Actually cancel that. That would be one boring existence. fun and exciting cannot exist without misery and drudgery. Two sides of a single coin.
As for my poor hard done by children. It is unlikely they will be internet geniuses. They rarely get access to a computer on which to develop those skills. Instead they do things like read, play outside and do my bidding. As for following their dreams, I just hope they become gainfully employed before I am in the grave.
Cheers,
Old School Parent
P.S. You are right! This is fun… I must be following my genius
Wow – we agree on a few things.
Yes, if this is fun, then you ARE following YOUR genius. Ever want to be a lawyer or politician…something where the debater in you is awake?
Being a ditch digger can be wonderful – if it is wonderful for the ditch digger. Same for a doctor, entrepreneur, teacher, bus driver. Follow your genius, and there lies your success.
We are all “follow your dreams” sorts., ie human beings. Human brains can think and expand. What are you expanding into?
If you’re laughing at American Idol contestants who take risks, well, you probably would have ridiculed Thomas Edison who burned down his father’s barn while inventing the lightbulb. Lesson: to teach your kids: those who laugh at you don’t matter.
Everyone lives in the very real world, defined what you think and how you interpret. In your world, someone has to do the “dirty work.” In my world, all work is valuable…as long as it’s your genius at work.
Upbringing is just a set of other people’s rules – your human mind and go beyond whatever you have been taught at any time.
Still, it might make more sense if upbringing was based on validating what makes you feel alive…and living it. One less obstacle for children to transcend.
With all the historical contributors who refused to “follow the crowd” rather than “march to your own drum,” or “stay in line” or “not offer your opinion til the boss asks you,” you would think that people would finally understand: those who hear something different calling are worth listening to. They are the inventors, leaders, and ditch diggers who make a huge contribution to society.
You can’t teach world view – you can only encourage your child to have one. Their world can be blood, sweat and tear, genius fulfillment, fun, or contrasts of all the above. We don’t things as they are; we see things as WE are.
I heard a story of a man who used to taunt, “my children want to travel the world; well, they can wait til I’m dead because I won’t allow it while I’m alive.” So if you asked his teenage daughter when she was planning to go to Paris, she would answer in all honesty, “When Dad dies.” She wasn’t being mean; she was just being obedient.
Be careful what you wish for; the world of fairy tales is listening.
Thanks for the fun!
Warm Regards
Rhonda
New School Parent
Rhonda Uretzky´s last [type] ..Parenting in Shades of Grey
Great article. Parents need to firm with children or the cycle of poor upbringing just keeps going. Parenting is difficult today with all the influences from media and other children, it is difficult to keep the upper hand. Without firm parents our world is doomed.
One of my twitter followers pointed this out to me. “This thread is going sideways”.
This issue is really not about whether we allow our children to follow their dreams. It is about parenting in a manner that is appropriate for your child’s developmental stage.
I have no problem with giving your child the freedom to grow and assert them selves as long as it is developmentally appropriate.